Anon's story

When I first met my husband I was a single mother with two small children, I had escaped an abusive relationship, I had walked away from everything I owned, my job and home to escape.

I had moved, gotten on my feet and was providing for my family. I then met the man who was to become my husband. I truly thought I had been blessed, here was a man willing to take on my two children and me. He was exactly what my family needed, or so I thought.

He moved in relatively quickly, and we soon became a family. I was married the same year we met. He was in the same employment as myself and we were financially secure, had a loving home and life was looking fantastic. How lucky was I!

At our wedding we received money instead of gifts from the majority of people who attended. We were married and moved interstate immediately due to work. When we were settled in our new home, I asked about the wedding money and if there was enough could we use the money for a new dinning table. No the money was from his family and friends and he had spent it. One of many red flags. All said very nicely I  might add.

Then came the money worries, bank constantly ringing, struggling to pay bills, and so it goes on. We would fight about money and I could never figure out where we were going wrong. I would ask questions and was always fed answers that would constantly end up with my trying to help him, or the problem laid with me is what he would tell me, remember I felt so blessed to have him in my life.

The years passed he received inheritances and other money and I never saw a cent; the money was always meant for him not the family.

Finally one day after another fight about money he mentioned he gambled, I was appalled, but I was reassured that he only occasionally gambled, 'are you an addict?' I asked, his attitude made it quite clear I had offended him, I received the silent treatment.  

I received bonuses that went into securing our financial future, he received money and it was his. I explained this away to myself, I was from a large family and knew how to share. He was an only child and didn't understand sharing, it also explained his selfishness, self-centredness.

Three years ago I found a letter from a solicitor stating he had received another large inheritance (the third inheritance he had received in 5 years) – 9 months beforehand. When confronted he denied it and he said the solicitor had written the wrong amount. We argued and I was walking out of the relationship. He broke down told me he was a gambling addict and would stop. I did not understand the gambling addicts addiction at this stage, I thought he would stop as he promised he would after all he said he loved me.

He moved interstate with work and we had a long distance marriage, 12 months ago he confessed he was still gambling and it had escalated dramatically, he was in a huge amount of debt with credit cards, I had been maintaining our home while he was interstate, and working full time, he had been at the casino every chance he got.

I tried to be supportive he promised to go to counselling, I started counselling. During the last 12 months, I have been ignored, yelled at, ran down for not being a more supportive wife and have learnt my husband is very secretive, deceitful and is quite a good manipulator, he has blamed his gambling on the marriage is boring, it is my fault he didn't gamble until he met me and has even blamed my getting breast cancer and how traumatic it was on him, (I might add he wasn't very supportive of me at his time in my life – ignoring me accusing me of trying to seek attention, asking why I hadn't cooked tea when he got home from work, after a round of chemo). 

What I have learnt in the last 12 months dumbfounds me. My husband, I now realise, was a gambling addict when I met him. I have been naive and gullible. When I confronted my husband with more of what he has done and his lies he has admitted he lies well, the saddest part of that, is he seems proud of that fact.

I have also learnt he has spent our redraw on the home loan that we have been trying to build up, don't even begin to think the money spent stops there. I have spent a lot of the last 12 months, trying everything to save my marriage. I have come to the realisation the only person who could have saved the marriage was my husband. He had to be willing to change, seek help and most importantly of all be honest with himself about his addiction. We could have saved this if he had been willing to try, I was more than open to support him and get through this together, after all he is my husband.

After 13 years of marriage, I have decided to end the marriage, over the last 12 months the penny has dropped on all the lies the deceit, and the manipulator my husband is. He is selfish to the core, he is despicable in the actions he has, before I knew the full extant of his gambling he would accuse me of needing help as apparently I didn't know how to be happy and apparently I set out to constantly sabotage the marriage, This was usually thrown when I would question him about money. Everyone loves my husband and tells me how lucky I was to meet him. If only they knew, he is a sheep in wolves clothing.

I am devastated by what my soon-to-be ex husband has done to me, my children and what he is doing to himself, I need to save what sanity I have left and run. I have engaged a solicitor to get me out of the financial mess my husband has placed me. Adele sums up my marriage with the words 'we could of had it all'.

I know in time I will be back on my feet and moving forward and most importantly of all, I will be happy. My soon-to-be ex husband, I feel nothing but pity and sorrow, he had a fantastic upbringing and has no excuse for what he is doing, I get he has a disease and an illness, they are a great crutch for him, he goes to counselling, has begun to attend church and is doing his best to let everyone around him know he is a great guy, lying that he has stopped gambling to everyone, keeping his 100 and something days going on the website for gamblers.

Where is he right now you ask? Easy – at the casino. He will never change, he sees our impending divorce a great opportunity to re-invent himself. I, on the other hand, have a great loving family, a fantastic future, and the chance to undo the damage he has done. I miss the marriage I thought I had. I do not miss the marriage I discovered I had. I had had quite a journey over the last 12 months, I am angry, hurt, feel betrayed, devastated, had my heart broken and trampled on, lost my trust in people and have done a lot of soul searching, cried many tears, have felt very confused about what to do, guilty for wanting to leave, feel like I am abandoning my husband when he need me, guilt for not supporting him through his illness, and have come to the conclusion who will save me, my husband has shown time and time again, it won't be him, I have to save myself, I have to save my financial and emotional future.

I may be down at the moment, but the hardest decision was to leave, and it is hard but I am strong, I am not a victim of a gambling addict, I am a survivor of a gambling addict, picking up the pieces of what he has done to my life, I do not blame him for what has happened, I allowed him to do this to me. I will not allow him to treat me as some one who does not matter, I count, I have value and worth, I am someone's mother sister daughter and friend, I only get one chance at my life and I will not allow him to drag me through the depths of despair as he has been doing.

The sun is beginning to shine again and I have hope for my future whatever it may be.