Anonymous's story

My partner is a compulsive gambler in denial. He plays poker online to win money to gamble on trading websites. He has lost $15,000 in two years on trading websites. He basically bets on whether shares will go up on down in a short period. He is a maths teacher, so has designed many mathematical excuses and probability charts on how if he keeps doing what he is doing, his luck will change.

The worst with these trading websites is the brainwashing. Constant emails, webinars, advice, seminars, books – they make it sound so above board because these are guys in suits. But it’s still gambling. With the same addiction and problems.

We don’t live together and he has not managed to get his hands on any of my finances, nor will he. We do work in the same place, I’ve known him 8 years, we have been dating for 3.5 years.  But I’m only starting to realise now the extent of his gambling addiction and his completely deluded thoughts and behaviours.

These thoughts and behaviours have produced lies, untruths, manipulations, twisted meanings, purposely designed arguments, agendas, parasitical habits, egotism and selfishness beyond belief. From a man I thought was quiet, moral, caring and emotionally intelligent – I now realise that this can be switched on or off depending on his mood/agenda. Our relationship is based week-to-week on his gambling.

The most hurtful aspect of this compulsion besides the lies, etc. I think is the lack of interest in me as a person. He seems so preoccupied at times with the 'addiction', he will actually forget I’m in the same room. Ordinary conversation is boring to him unless it involves some drama or gossip – information he can use for further manipulation of others. Our relationship consists of watching television together, in silence, walks together so other people can see what a caring partner he is and sex when it suits him, his way.

He stays at my house at weekends, Fridays until Mondays. I don’t see him the rest of the week as these are 'trading hours'. His mood at the weekends usually depends on how his week went. If it’s 'good', he will be hyper and want to go out and drink and spoil me, where he will talk incessantly about this trading to anyone who will listen in an egotistical fashion.

If I remind him of how much he has actually lost (I found out by seeing his credit card statements) he goes nuts, telling me I have no faith in him. If people don’t fall for his bragging, I usually get the brunt of his feelings of inadequacy through a session of verbal abuse, which he has no recollection of the next day.

If he has had a bad week of trading/poker, he will be depressed/moody/irritable and non-responsive. He will then remedy it by going out and binge drinking with some low lifers who will make him feel better as his life is not as bad as theirs. This cycle is never-ending. Sometimes the gap widens and he can go for a couple of months not spending, but this is usually to pay off his credit card so he can use it again.

My dilemma is this. I have children from a previous marriage who love him dearly. From Fridays until Mondays he is great with them. He seems to really love them and we all have such a good time together. We work great together as a team in this respect and also in other respects. I know he loves me.

I’m the first person he has ever loved he tells me and will be the last. I see it in his eyes that he means it. Underneath his addiction I think he is really a great guy. I love him, but hate these behaviours. When he is not preoccupied with the gambling thoughts he is a very sweet and thoughtful guy.

I finished it with him last year and he told me he would curb the spending, save some money instead and treat me better. For the most part of this year he did. But now he has slipped into these behaviours again and I don’t know what to do. 

He says it’s my lack of faith in him that is the problem, he has even gone so far to say that he is losing because my negative attitude is affecting his gambling decisions!

So I keep quiet because I know I’m onto a losing argument anyway. He is completely in denial. If this continues, we have no future. He has no idea how lonely and sad this makes me feel. 

There are no winners with any form of gambling.