Mark's story

20 years of gambling and a wasted life. 

I used to enjoy gambling. I actually enjoyed a trio of compulsions/addictions. My treat after a hard day's or night's work was to go to the local club, grab a couple of beers, put a cigarette in my mouth and sit myself in front of a poker machine.

Whether I won or lost (of course it was mostly losing) didn't faze me back then. I was young (19) and didn't really think about the future much.

20 years later, minus the cigarettes, still with the beer but instead of playing with maybe a hundred or so dollars for the session I found myself playing $100s of dollars per hand. And losing started to hurt ... a lot. 

Many jobs, failed relationships, lost friendships, strained family connections, debt pressures and a sense of waste, complete failure as a person, lost opportunity and what was once fun was and is a nightmare.

I am now in a mental health facility after years of depression (losing) and mania (winning).

Fortunately I am physically healthy, I have a job with a supportive boss, I have support of parents (although I am very reluctant to let them help as I feel I need to deal with my issues my self as an adult). 

I am getting counselling and have been attending Gamblers Anonymous. As of this post I haven't gambled for 87 days. 

I haven't had many cravings until very recently. I will try and found an alternative to this craving for a 'fix of excitement'. Part of me wants to gamble to escape the mess created by my gambling but if I write this down I more easily see the insanity of this logic.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to my immediate goal of '90 days clean'. Hopefully I can find a healthy alternative to this craving.

Thanks for reading. I hope to write again in the future with good news rather than the utterly depressing post by someone who has just gambled.