Paul's story

Here I sit, keying my thoughts and sharing my personal story on this Board, regarding my Gambling Addiction. I was paid last night and lost $900 ... again ... chasing lost money. Cash that would have been better spent catching up on bills and my son's birthday. This of course, after actually winning $470 three days ago. It starts the same, every time, clockwork. I enter with good intention, my cigs and money. I 'guarantee' the trip will be quick, I'm only going to spend a set dollar amount, maybe $50, if I lose, I am OUT the door. That of course, is the mindset, until I choose my favourite slot, sit and pull the lever. Once the reels start spinning, any sense of common sense and willpower is completely overshadowed by bells, whistles, music, distant voices screaming from a big win. Initial wager, GONE, back to the ATM, just another 50, maybe 100. A couple pity wins, back to ZERO. Another ATM trip, anger sets in, time to play bigger bets to recoup the loss. A win here or there, not ENOUGH to catch up though, so keep pulling the lever. Any wins by this time, at increased wagers, are just extra plays, extra spins to get to BONUS ROUNDS and FREE SPINS. I'm bound to hit it, right? I mean, someone has to win, why can't it be MY turn tonight?

Last night, I started at .50 cents a pull, I won $220 on my first round of FREE SPINS. I could have walked out with that, but I put it all back. At the end of the night, $2.50 a pull. In my mind, I'm thinking, just ONE more round of Bonus Free Games, I'll take what I win and go home. I put in my last $20 bill. No wins on 7 spins. I trigger Free Games on the eighth spin, my last $2.50, and a tiny glimmer of hope appears. I mentally prepare myself for the 'guaranteed windfall'. If I won $220 on .50 cents, I can easily win over $1000, maybe $2000 on THIS round! I'll break even, maybe have some extra, cash out and RUN to the car ... My heart was racing, I felt so tense ... I imagined myself getting an attendant hand-pay and justifying the whole trip.15 free games. Not ONE WIN ... NOT ONE! Not even a pity win. I earned $5 from the free game scatter pay ... not one winning combo on the maxed out reels. I played 2 last pulls and it was over. I simply walked away and out the door, thru the cold air to the car, and sat there, thinking and cursing myself as I always do.

Why is it that it's almost ALWAYS when you leave that you realise you have to use the bathroom, or you're suddenly extremely hungry. My broke self didn't want to spend $7 for a 'overpriced' decent sandwich but I'll drop $900 on a slot machine? Time that whizzed by has easily passed 3, 6, 8 hours, and NOW, your tired. It's THEN of course, you realise the shame, guilt, humility ... all the negatives find a way of slapping the side of your head during the LONG drive home. Promises you broke to yourself, God, Jesus, your wife, kids, husband, gambling fairy ... the disappointment you feel, especially at YOURSELF, makes the sulking and drive even longer. I'm completely exhausted with this. It's affecting my moods, my sleep. I am not eating well, I lose focus at work. I spend little time with my kids or my girlfriend. I KNOW, we ALL KNOW, that during almost all trips, the end result is the same.

I chuckle to think that I can save time by simply driving by the casino and just throwing my paycheck through an open window. I'd get the same in return, NOTHING! Sigh. I have about $15 in change in my car console. I have 3/4 tank of gas. I have 5 cigarettes left. I don't get paid for another 2 weeks. My credit cards have been maxed out for months. I can't get a loan. I pick up my kids on the weekends, no money for entertainment, I am lucky I bought food and snacks for them already. I was supposed to give my girlfriend money towards the electricity bill and groceries tomorrow. I have nothing to give her. She doesn't even know that I have lost THIS much again ... and how I have repeated this vicious cycle for years.

I want to change and get better. For my girl, my kids, my SELF. I want to save and pay bills and be able to catch up. I have not been financially responsible for years. I need to change. I know that I will only fall harder if I don't turn things around, TODAY, and commit to NOT GAMBLE. I will NEVER recoup the thousands I have lost over the years. All I can do is look at changing tomorrow. It's never too late to make positive changes, I am going to take a step in the right direction today.